Rainy Days

It's December, almost reaching the end of 2013 time flies and yes this little girl is turning 21 in one & a half month's time and after that no more little girl i guess? :) Because it's the end of the year and it's the monsoon season, so we have rain almost every single day, life is just like rainy days.

Life is always a bitch we all know that and that is something we can't escape, what is more worse is how human's true character is really like, i'm only in my early 20s, still a student and i happen to go through & see so much of what is happening around my life almost everday. Why do we have to make life so difficult for each other? Aren't we all same? We are all humans right? I know nobody is perfect, but some are even our friends, why? Why must we make things so ugly? Anyway i am in no position to say all these because i am one of a bitch myself, i really dislike what my close friend is doing, and i am angry at her but i chose to kept quiet about it, and blame it to the fact that i don't want anything else to happen till we graduated, isn't that very fake and cowardly of me? Being evil to our friends around us, being such a fake person and everything, seriously i am very sick of how i am and what i am developing into.

Nobody knows that being sick for these two days, not going to school actually makes me very happy and i never had such a peaceful 2 days of my life, where i can actually have a breather away from school, and i get to lock myself away from so many things, and most importantly i don't have to be someone i don't wanna be in front of my close friend, she never know how apologetic i feel towards her, and i am super afraid that i might blow up at her one day and what happen 2 years ago might repeat itself again. There is too much rainy days in my life recently, but i will pray hard that the rainbow will show after everything, because no matter what happened, we always have to suck it up and go on in life isn't it?

Alone

I've changed i know myself too well, why? I changed because of him and i changed because of what i saw with my own eyes, it's just only in school not even the society yet and all i feel about life is just make me feel utterly disgusted.

The old me don't fancy wearing sleeveless, i kept my hair short and i never really bother so much about how i look or i never felt that i am so vain before, but i changed because of him which gave me such a huge blow. I hate that i blame him for my change or i should just say straight in the face that because i am vain, which is why i changed right? But the society and him makes me understand that one's appearance is so important. Feel so disgusted on how i blame him & the society and i feel so disgusted on how such a two face person i am. What i see and experience in school makes me feel even more disgusted, why does human have to be this way? I know it's the way of life and everything but seriously everyday going school just makes me feel really just so disgusted...

Nothing beats being alone, with my favourite sand, sea and sky. Went out alone today for a walk and really it feels so good, esp when i feel my feet being buried in the sand and the cooling sea water splashing on my legs. That's the only place where i can really let-go of myself and makes me feel just slightly better.

Conclusion for the 6 weeks of break.

Time flies and so soon it's already the last day of my Y2S1 term break, so when school starts tomorrow new semester, new classmates and new modules and new shit that i have to go through and see as a RP student. 6 weeks of holidays seems to pass so fast, but 6 weeks of school seems to take forever to reach. Anyway gonna share what happen in my holidays and the major activities which i went to and everything.

Starting of my holidays i went to Beijing China with my family members, we had loads of fun as i finally have to chance to visit all the historical places which i really wish to go and also we manage to visit other famous landmarks and also shopping paradise of Beijing.

Next met up with half of the AMM peeps for Donny's house warming, as usual we had fun and laughter and also thinking back to all the good old days at AMM, the buffet food was awesome and of course seeing all my fellow AMM kakis :)

Also during this holiday i have to take care of my grandma, the job of taking her back to the hospital for some of the check-ups lands on me, because one thing i am the only free one, the other is i love her too much so i don't mind taking care of her, and see we look good together in the photo yea? :D

Also meeting my dearest Y1S1 besties Ding Qi is also a must during my term break, we are always meuseum buddies and we travel around singapore to find interesting exhibitions and historical stuff. :)

Thanks to Yu Xin, we get to revive our childhood and head to the zoo, we had fun esp since we had been childhood friends and we know each other for 9 years already, had an awesome sunday with them. :)

Lunch with Aunty Lim & Vik and after that we went to pay a visit to wing, he is adorable but somehow i'm afraid of him as well hehe. :P

Head back to college central to visit all our lecturers and also my dear CA Ms Elfa, they treated us lunch and we really spend a long afternoon over there and we left super late, but if i am given a chance i rather go back to ITE again somehow.

Went clubbing at Mink with the girls Rad & Xiu Li one for ladies night which is quite fun, and another for guest list on a saturday night but that night was horrible, and non of us really enjoyed it much at all. Neverthless it's a good experience and yes me & Rad was like literally mad hehe :P

Met Jemmy for movie and lunchie in the afternoon and ganga & Kat for road-side dinner, simple and nice also had an awesome time catching up with each other. :D

Went on to USS to had my enjoyment time before my pass expires on november 30th, had fun but not really excited because after going there for too many times, somehow we can expect what to see, and what kind of rides they have for us already. :/

Met my poly girls for lunchie at seoul garden and guess what? Our dearest Vik ate too much and she literally vomited in the washroom after our meal, and she knocks down the dustbin beside the esclator inside the shopping mall. Imagine all the face-palm face we shown when we are with her. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA XD

Finally the day comes for our annual BBQ at Sean's place :) The usual fun, laughter and nonsense us haha and yes heaven have to rain cats and dogs on us at 10pm plus, just like how it was the previous year. *Roll Eyes* But still most important we had fun and that's the main point hehe :D

Finally just finished the newton challenge 2013 volunteer event with Rad and Yi Lin, and both me and Rad manage to corrupt Yi Lin haha and she becomes like us, who looks at hot guys hehe. But i swear it's tiring because it's not fun doing event when it's day 01 or day 02, but i guess i don't have a choice do it? O.o But at least we get 25 bucks in the end. :D

This is what happens mostly during my term break, and actually comparing to my other term breaks i went out wayy lesser this time round, but u still had fun and i have my sleep, so i am contented. :) Okay that's it for now and see you when i see you sooon yea? Tomorrow is first day of school yo hais. :( Good Night Earth. :)

Final Words.

It all started 2 days ago, on a sunday night when you suddenly texted me " ):sorry......" at around 10 plus at night, you can never imagine my shock when i saw that text, how long have it been since our last contact? Almost 6 months and when i am finally really over you, and i have moved on, everyone is telling me not to reply but i can't control myself and after 4 hours of struggling i texted back "Kayy hmm. You okay? Did you send wrong message? O.o" & you replied the next morning, and as much as i guessed, you told me you are drunk & you never send wrong message.

I treated you as a normal friend, and i asked you to not drink so much & take care, and you started by telling me your troubles in school and so on, finally i raised the question and ask you why did you text me last night? Your answer shocked me once again, you said "Dunno? My subconscious done while i'm drunk" and we go on normally, i told you that you can always talk to me and you never replied anymore.

11.50pm, you asked if i'm asleep or not, and i said no, i don't know why you have to text me that way to see if i have a bf currently or not, which i don't actually. Also we dragged to your sleeping problems again, and you mention about your friend's theory. I said go look for a gf or a wife and we started again the problem we have when we were in a relationship, then you asked me "Are you glad you already left me?" "Or are you shocked" I chose to ask you back the question because i wanna know your answer, guess what? You said you are not glad, but trust me from the start is you freaking make me left you, and you have to drop me a bombshell telling me it is actually the fact that you are trying to protect me? You know from this point, i actually tried to trust what you said, and i wanna believe you, but subconsciously somehow i can't trust what you said and in the end you left because you rather i hate you then what might happen in the end which you would hurt me super badly & everyone will hate you? Bullshit all bullshit.

This is really how i feel:
你选择让我恨你, 所以才那么对我? 你会后悔会痛苦, 我就好得到那里去? 说穿了你也是自私不是吗? 当初自己决定, 对我公不公平, 我也有表达的份不是吗? 那晚你就不应该喝醉, 不该发那封简讯给我。我就不应该心软, 把你当朋友回复给你。我从来都没办法恨你。

你说你应该选择我的信念, 让两个人幸福或许我们现在就不一样了。你的选择不只伤害了你自己, 也让我在那半年里过的那么痛苦。我们都错了, 错的彻彻底底。

But anyway, like i said i can never hate you so this is what i will tell you finally:
I'm glad we manage to talk things out last night, i guess we have nothing else to do with each other anymore right? Bye Bye & Take Care L.T :)

Fairytale

Recently i love a Japanese actor cum singer called Matsumoto Jun from Arashi, so i went ahead to watch this drama called Hana Yori Dango which is Boys Over Flowers, they have Taiwan version, Korea version and also this Japanese version. I must say original country is still the best right? The way they choose their cast is not only good, but also the film it short & sweet is like the whole story line is done within season 1 with 9 episodes, and season 2 with 11 episodes & a final movie. So in total is like 20 episodes of drama and one near 3 hour movie to conclude the whole storyline.

The male lead learns the truth of life and how to be like a human through the female lead, and why is my title fairytale for this post? Because i admire the author who came up with all these plot be it for the manga or the drama. We all know the world we lived in is cruel and realistic, but this drama actually manage to display out what we as humans actually wish for deep inside our heart,it shows us the impossible happened and it's so sweet espically the love between the male and female lead is so true and no matter how long it passes it never change at all. The male and female lead broke though the social difference and showed us that it's actually a possible to everything in our life to occur.

If you have not catch this drama before, please do watch it & laugh with how funny & dumb the leads are and also cry along with them for their relationship, root for them to go and fight against all the differences against life. Maybe you will understand a different aspect of life after this drama, and also why not let ourselves go for a while & sink ourselves inside this fantasy world? You might feel better after the whole series, and maybe there could be a difference in how you feel & view about life after that, highly recommended yo haha. :)

领悟

好久没更新这个部落格了，光阴似箭两个月过去了，转眼间已经是八月了。想来2013年也过了三分之四了吧？好快哦岁月终究还是不饶人哈哈。

不知何时心里有一天就开窍了，算是领悟吧？才发现原来自己那么傻，和他分手了三个月，伤心，泪流，心痛只因为我以为自己很在乎他，爱他其实仔细想来，把事情推至当初和他暧昧到结合的那段时间，他的出现本来就是那么的不真实，让我从不可置信到渐渐靠近，到后来的怦然心动。我甚至和他在一起时曾经质问过自己的心是否对他一样是有感觉的？我喜欢他吗？为何我可以似有似无的不介意他的不知所踪？当初接受他是否是因为被他的所作所为感动了？毕竟感动不是感情它是不一样的。后来他给与我的安全感让我也渐渐陷进去了，一点点的他在我心中的分量与日俱增，到后来我和他分开才知道他对我有多重要，心里其实是那么的在乎他，人啊往往都是要失去了才知道所谓的重要性。

我以为我会很难放下他，毕竟如果我真在乎一个人他真的是会挥之不去，形影不离的紧跟随我，没想到过了三个月我差不多好的七七八八，这才领悟到原来我心里面割舍不开的并不是他，而是我失去了我从来没有得到过的东西。所以在失去是才会痛不欲生，当然我不可否认的是我对他是有感觉的，只是并煤油我想象的那么深罢了。偶尔会想如果我当初没提出要分开的要求，那我们现在会是什么样子？还会一直走下去吗？可回神过来想想，现在想这些还会有意义吗？没有了反正我们之间已是过去式，没法挽回或改变什么了不是吗？倒不如让这所有随风散去吧。

其实我并不怨，也不恨毕竟我们曾经快乐过，也有过哪些美好的回忆，经过了这件事我也学会了更多，领悟的也多了。谢谢你让我有过那段美好的时光，也让我上了人生与爱情一堂宝贵的课。只是从此我不会再轻易的接受或踏出那一步了，真正对与有缘的人无论如何都会遇上的，他也会有办法让我自己踏出那一步。我会耐心的等待他的出现。:)

Bye L, I've let go and i know you had already done so long ago...

A month passed...

I told you that i want a break up, and yes i guess you agreed silently maybe from the start you never wanted this relationship but you never know how my heart broke when i saw that text of yours saying "I felt like i couldn't commit..." Then from the start why did you even come near me? Fucking why? What happened to all the promise that you made? Didn't i warn you to give up on me? I told you before, i am in pieces and just go and give up on me? No i know now there is no point in saying all these anymore, because nothing is coming back and it never will come back.

Remember the place where we sat? where you asked me to be together? Yes i have no courage to step back to that place that seat. But i went back in on the 4th of June. Supposed to be our 3rd month anniversary, and the 1st month after we broke up, i have the courage to step back in, but i don't have the courage to stay there for long, or even cry out loud i feel so helpless at that moment. I can tell you honestly i really still miss you alot, what we did together, the places we been together, what you said to me, everything is like a shadow cast around me, the more i try to shake it off, especially your love the clearer it gets. Can i beg you to faster leave me? Just leave and bring everything away with you & don't ever come back...

Leaving You Silently...

After the second month of our anniversary, i gave up on us and i decided to leave you silently after we texted each other, after seeing what you told me in the text, i feel that there is no point in our relationship anymore.

When i asked you "Do you intend to break up?" Yet this is what you replied me, "Break Up? I thought we are just at the trying out period? I felt like I couldn't commit... While everything is like coming at once....." This text keep hitting my mind and haunting me. Why? When i told you to gave up on my initially, why you told me to not let you go, and all the promises that you once made to me and told me? Everything changed so fast and now everything is gone, i don't wanna linger around you and wait for you while you left me hanging, floating around and i don't know what is our relationship status now, it's hard to cut you off my heart it's just like cutting a flesh off me, but i know i have to do it. If i don't do it i would end up suffering even more, the only best thing i can do for you finally is to leave you quietly, give you back your freedom since you say that you can't commit.

I still love you and i guess i will love you for quite a while, and all i can do is to let my pain heal by itself slowly...

自欺欺人还是自我安慰？

4月一号，不小心发了错的信息，已经四天没联系的我们却因为这个不小心的错误，让我从梦里醒了。而且还醒的七七八八。我不知道怎么说可是我对这段感情已经了解了，还是我们的差别太多了？当初和你在一起的安全感荡然无存，那份快乐和幸福我已经不知道它飞去哪里了。

还记得当初你的承诺，那个承诺不会让我流泪，不会消失，不会先放手的那个你到那去了？你四天前说你接下来三个星期都会很忙，我能明白也能了解可是你不知道你的音讯全无让我心里很不好受。难道1再忙也不能传一则简讯给我吗？虽然嘴里说不在意，可是你不知道每当我的电话亮起，或征动是我心里其实有的多么希望那使你传来的简讯，起码让我知道你心里其实、还是在乎我的。很多人告诉我 “放弃吧，他很大的可能性是玩完了，所以都没联络你。” 可是只有我这个傻瓜不愿意相信，还在维护你说还没见到你，还没和你谈我不能太早下定论，因为或许你忙起来是这样的。可是现在我连自己都觉得很难在说服我自己， 因为连我都开始胡思乱想了。想一想我们1之间的差别或许太大了从抽烟的问题，到我们家里的差别到我们的生活，让我自己怀疑或许我们比较适合当朋友。至少当初是朋友的那个两年，和开始熟悉的那个星期我们是很快乐的畅谈不是吗？

当初你就知道我被上次的事情搞的遍体鳞伤，我要求过你放弃我因为我很难踏出那一步，而且我并不想伤害你，是谁胸有成竹的告诉我你不要也不会。甚至还求我不要把你这样放开不要把你丢下？我问过你当初的感觉是不是一时的？因为那并不是爱情，可是你却说不是还说我会是你这辈子爱的最后一个女孩？原来这些都只是泡影。为何当初我叫你放弃我，你却不要？现在也让我那么痛苦， 边写这篇部落阁边忍住泪水，把它往肚子里吞。

还有很多感受一时说不出来，让我给自己多一次机会吧，三天后也就是4月4号是我们的纪念日，如果到了4月5号 你还是音讯全无的话，就让我来结束自己的痛苦。 4月16号，星期二我知道你不用上学，让我在开课只前解决所有的事情吧。我依然爱你只是我开始迷失在我们的感情里，好累好难过不想在骗自己也不想在强忍泪水了。

Between Us

Time flies and half a month passed since we are together, you know from the start it's so sweet and feeling so loving with you, till the fact which i don't feel right ever since our last date on Friday. Yes i may be paranoid and i need a lot of security when it comes to relationship, i felt that whenever i am with you, but what happened ever since Friday?

Also what i love most about you is always your honesty, and you always seems to be able to tell me everything, but today morning you told me is better not to see you? But yet you said you love me, and when i ask if you have the thought of breaking up, you said no and you never thought about it, but why? Even though i can somehow guess the reason, but deep in my heart i was actually wishing that you will tell me honestly, and out from your mouth. I know there is this two barrier between us, but i believe if we work it out together, it will help you know? Also we promised to each other before that if we truly love each other, love can overcome everything? Where is the confident, and loving you which touched me at first? Who is the one who promised to walk with me and prove to me that he is not just like the other guys previously?

I hope everything would turn out fine soon? At least let us have the chance to talk it out, instead of you telling me better to not see you. I took this photo without you knowing, and i love it although is a random shot but i find it nice.

And lastly i really wanna tell you I Love You:')

I Love You...

Officially together with you on the 4th of March 2013. We agreed to give it a shot and see how we fare in this 3 months. Is hard for you to chase me this whole month, trying to bring me out of the broken past & promise me that we will be happy together. I grew to love you and i believe that as long as we love each other, we will be able to overcome everything right?

Sometimes fate this kind of things is really pretty funny, i know you 2 years ago and yet that time nothing happen between us, finally fate decides to come knocking in and we ended up together. I just wanna tell you, thank you for making me believe in love again, i don't know how far we will go or how long you will continue to love me. But i just wanna tell you i love you and if we are fated, we will last together. Let's just see how things goes for this 3 months first. :) Love you <3

Dilemma...

没有一点点防备, 也没有一丝顾虑, 你就这样出现在我的世界里。

Yes this is how i am going to describe my feelings now, from a random Facebook chat, to the exchange of numbers, to texting everyday, to you confessing. Honestly i am very touched and i feel very sweet when i see how you treated me. Although everything is a bit too fast, but progressing as fast, i began to feel comfortable with you and very fast you are in my bro zone. Although you told me you don't ever wanna be in this zone, but you have to past through this zone before you are able to enter into my heart.

I know the promise which you make to me, and yes so far you manage to fulfil so many of it, you told me you know that i am paranoid and you are willing to walk with me through this path promising me that you will prove to me that you are different from the previous guy who hurt me. After hearing all these honestly if i don't at least feel touched i am seriously not a human, but i have my doubts which makes me feel bad towards you because you are giving me so much, yet i keep trying to push you away, and being paranoid over everything. You told me you understand because of the previous guy who left such a deep scar on my emotions, and you will heal it for me, thank you i really feel very touched, but i can't help but feel that i am hurting you in someway or another.

I guess time and more interactions with you, will allow me to understand you better? I really love the sunflower which you send to me, and also the daily e-mail you promised i will look forward to reading it everyday. For now, just for now thank you bro. :)

Start of a new year 2013.

Neglected this site of mine for a month, the last post is dated back into 16 of December, & in a flash of an eye 2012 ended and a new start of 2013 begins. A lot of changes in my life, and as i turned into my BIG TWO more responsibilities came in and also more changes which i have to adapt to.

Firstly HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE. Heh i know it's a bit late, but late better than never right? :) Anyway school is as usual, and i started working in breadtalk as a part-time customer service crew. I can say the staff there are all nice, just that particular lady which i don't really fancy. Oh well, shall not spoil my mood by mentioning her, also i won't really see her that often too do i? So better nit bad-mouth people, i learn to control myself a lot when i grew older. :) Okay so basically that is regarding my work, now into school oh well my UT1 grades are horrible man, but who can i blame other than myself? So now i can't say i am trying my best, but at least i will work hard and improve myself.

Okay enough of all these, guess what? I turned 20. OMG can't believe that time passes so fast, is just like just back then, i just finish my PSLE. *Okay this is exaggerating.* But really time waits for no man so fast 20 years passed and now i am almost into my adulthood, as i turned 20 more responsibility which i have to shoulder, my own life which i have to take care of, and most importantly take care of my aging parents. Suddenly really i felt like an adult and yes i have more things to bear and more things to learn in life.

Had a small conversation with daddy today, as it's time for dinner, daddy came & fetch me for dinner & offer to hold my hand and walk to the kitchen, he is telling me, how he can't forget that he always used to hold my hand as a small girl, every morning to go down and take the school bus. Now he say it's been so long since he last held my hand, and now the small girl is taller than him, & grew into a young lady.
It makes me feel so touched and sad at the same time, touched is that his love for me grew as i am older, and he is still so doting towards me. Upset is because he is getting old and i am starting to feel afraid that he is growing old, daddy i love you as always thank you for all the love and care you showered me over the 2o years of my life, ever since i land feet onto this world i love you always. :') <3

Lastly wishing everybody have a good 2013 ahead, i will grow to be more mature. :)