Occupied. That's the only word i can use to describe my life currently. Be it school which is internship, family life or even my own relationship life.

Internship started, means the start of my Y3S2 and also means 4 months of working life 5 days a week from 8.30am all the way till 6pm. Work have not been very smooth, as work is tough and the environment is pretty stress, no mistake could be made, and so many unfamiliar or rather unknown machines, oil samples, type etc which i have to learn and remember it's just not easy at all. Been trying my very best to work and learn espically to be a fast working personnel, all i can say is i can't quit since it's internship, and i don't like to give up half way, or even be irresponsible thus just grit my teeth, hold and walk on till the end of the 4 months i guess?

Family life, oh well what can i say? Maybe work will lessen my friction with my family? At least for now everything's been nice, and i'm really trying my best to compromise to their life and such. Been really worried for my mum though, and this worry haunt me like mad, can't seem to get rid of it. Her operation date been set, which would be next month, i guess she would have to stay in the hospital again for minimum 4 days to a week? Plus more discovery been found out from her body, there's a gene mutation in her body which occurs, and cause her body to not able to discharge out one type of medication and now she have to change her medication to fit into this. Me, sis and aunt have to go for blood test and maybe DNA extraction for research and help to see if it can improve her condition or not. Hopefully there would be a way out, not only it'll her, but might also benefit us or even the future people in medicine research industry. Granny went on for her mini operation today, and i'm really glad that everything is okay now, and also heard that another granny would have to go for operation too, really pray that everything will go well after that in my family.

Relationship? Haha i don't think i would even consider myself having a relationship life in the first place. But yes you Mr T, you're the only guy in my life now, i really don't know what are we somehow, looks like between both of us, non of us is willing to be honest about how we felt right? Or maybe we're not even sure of what we are feeling for each other right? Last monday you told me that i'm one of your fling, you have no idea how this sentence bring such a huge impact on how i feel man, i knew that from the start i might be a replacement, might even be just a bridge for you to cross over in order to forget her, but fling? Means you never consider us being serious maybe in the future at all? So i can just be casted away just like that? If from the start you said that, i wouldn't mind because i'm the willing party, but i felt so played after what i heard you said. After that when we're alone, & you accompany me to walk from dhoby to bugis? You let out your hand & grab onto mine, we just held hands, 10 fingers locked with each other and slowly walk through the night. You don't know how contented i felt, how blissful i felt, it's just a small gesture but it felt so safe & comfortable you know? But yes i'm just a fling to you i guess? I would continue to walk on with you, but i thought it out, even in the end it doesn't work out i wouldn't blame you at all because i learn to accept the fact, and i would be happy to help you walk out of her shadow. For now just let things be i guess? I don't wanna think about it, and i really don't have the strength to think about it as well, just that you don't know when we walk hand-in-hand, when you hugged me and that very first time when you piggy-back me & ran around, while i was laughing like mad on your back, these memories are what i missed, and i really felt safe & happy for that few times and i miss us doing all those together very badly.

Jacket

In the end, i fall for you. i wouldn't say that it's love, but more like i have special feelings for you instead, and guess what? I realized that due to a very bad situation. Remember the promise which you made to me? You said if i'm upset and i needed you, once i call you and you will try your best to appear and be there for me. You got angry and said this privilege was revoked because i never call you? Do you know how upset i felt? How hurt am i? Twice i hold back for not calling because firstly i don't wanna be like her, you are not my who you know, how in the world can i do this? Secondly no guy have ever treat me so well before, not even my ex-boyfriend, is just so not real you know? Also since young i'm always the one which my friends lean on, they depended on me and i am always the strong one. I'm so afraid that i got attached to you do you know that? Because you doesn't belong to me, i can never walk into your heart, so the only harsh thing i can do to myself is to not be attached to you. Thirdly, ever since previous incident, i'm very cautious towards guys i'm so afraid of getting hurt, and you almost made me let-go, and if anything would to happen i wouldn't hesitate to call you, but no now everything changed because of you.


People tell me that the vibe we 2 gave is very different, but i can't seem to feel anything because i felt that you seem to treat every girl almost the same. But what you did makes me linger and think about what they say, which guy would give his personal jacket to a girl who is not his girlfriend? Which guy would suddenly grab you on your waist and hug you so tightly like he's so afraid that you'll disappear? Tell me please? I hate to linger down there like one idiot and think like mad, where i won't even get an answer or whatsoever. You never know that i'm so afraid to get attached to you, instead i transfer my attachment to the jacket which you gave me. The over-sized feeling when the jacket was on me, it feels as though your just beside me, hugging me tightly and your smell the smell that belongs to you, just you. Now that school ended, i guess we'll be apart and it's so hard to see you. Maybe like what my friends say "It'll be good for you to be away from him, your feelings might be washed away and you might not even like him anymore in the future." But i guess it's not gonna work, because your jacket is still with me, which means a part of your would always be with me...

Two months,61 days. This 61 days was one of the hardest in my life. Everything just came crashing down on me from studies like final-year project, friendship problems, unsolved relationship questions and most importantly the chaos which hit our family.

From Final-year project honestly i don't know what to say about my supervisor of our project, she's really useless it's okay if she's useless as long as we can settle things on our own, but the problem was that without her approval we can't do anything at all. Thus the project was all stuck at one section and we have to rush through all the deadlines in the end.
Friendship problems? I really don't wish to harp on that but sometimes i really felt the distance, its not the fact that i don't wish to salvage or meet-up but i really can't do anything with so much crashing down on me. Another problem which was really bad, once two friends had an argument, was it so hard to patch back? Even when patching back was possible, the crack can't seem to be removed anymore right? Once its there, its not gonna go away right? I'm really tired i feel like giving up and i don't wish to salvage anymore. Just let it be, what meant to happen would happen wasn't it? Also i can't seem to let go of a scary fact which i found out, it makes me feel like distancing like i can't seem to face it right anymore and it's really bearing hard on me like real hard.

Unsolved relationship questions? I don't even wanna think about it anymore, i really felt that the problem between us was too much,too much obstacles which we have to go through. Can we make it? No or more like I don't even know if you're going to make it with me, or i'm not even certain about how i felt towards you. Maybe i'm avoiding the question, or i'm denying but i really don't know and i don't even know how to think about it.
Our family was really chaotic mum's illness relapsed and she was hospitalized for one month, she got really bad and our whole family had to support each other throughout this tough moment. Sadly at the same time, grandma fainted and was hospitalized as well, more horrible news hit our family and its really a tough period for the Lim's. Although we manage to over-come it but i felt so tired, i have to rush between housework, both hospital and school at the same time. My health totally went down the slope, i keep falling sick and i can't even sleep at night, maybe i never cared myself enough or my lifestyle was really unhealthy but in anyway it's really bad.

I really wished that i could run away from all these, i wanna cover my eyes and pretend that non of these problems were crashing up on me, but i can't do that because running away won't solve any problems. But for once can i do that? Really close my eyes and pretend that nothing was going on because i'm really really very tired...

宣泄

我只需要一个地方宣泄我心里的感受。

他们说两个好朋友只要谁先爱上谁，那个人就输了。我很怕我会输，可能因为上一段的伤害让我始终都无法相信男人，加上你又是那么捉摸不定的一个人让我无法对你有任何感觉却又无法漠视你在我心里的重要性。你的好，你的白痴，你的温柔是那么的好。可是心里的那一个障碍让我无法爱上你。我们算什么？一个我很想问却又问不出口的问题。我最怕的就是我把你当成他的替代品，或许你也把我当成了她的替代品吧。我们这样下去会好吗？你说不要去烦恼未发生的事情，让未来的我们去担心吧。可是我不相信在你心里你从来不曾质问自己，或许你有吧我们竟是如此的相似却越走越远。

还又许多我不曾提起却围绕着我的问题，看来我们之间的未来一点也不乐观。或许我会悄悄的离开吧，只要没有开始我就不会失去不是吗？至少我不会失去你，也不会失去对我而言非常重要的人。

Confession

You are like a very best friend to me, i never met someone which we think, feel and everything so alike just like a soul mate, we said it before and we're even surprised how alike our family & house is, everything is just such a coincidence. Also i can't deny that you brought a special impact into my life, and I don't know if i would ever feel anything special for you or not, but i really might one day is just that i don't know when will it be. Maybe when I've gotten over him? Maybe a year? Or maybe my six months policy might not work out this time, because you're just so special somehow. But for now we're best of friends and what we lack is that "feel" between us, i don't know if we ever might feel anything between us, but let's just allow things to be natural and see how it goes yea? But there is something which i wanna tell you, but i always never said it out or maybe i won't ever say it out.

"If one day you ever feel that i felt something special for you, & if you felt the same please do tell me about it, but if you don't feel anything special, then just pretend that you don't know anything or never feel anything okay?"

累

因为我太在乎, 我怕失去, 所以会小心翼翼地揣摩。努力的去迎合深怕那看似愈合的伤口，会因为我而撕裂开来。人与人之间的感情为何总是那么脆弱不堪？

还有一些不知是否会发生的事情，或者我不会让它发生因为我经不起再一次的失去，还是一旦发生了我赌上的不止那一些，失去的也会更多。永远担着的这些问题虽然我会坚强，会处理和面对可是心里的恐惧和不安没有人明白，我也不能说出口。

曾经何时我开始活的那么累?

A Blank Piece Of Paper

Do you once have this feeling in which you just wanna throw everything away, and head to a new place, a new country where nobody knows you and you can start all over again? Like a blank piece of paper? Where you can forget all your unhappiness, start as a whole new person, be who you wanna be, not worrying about how you have to answer to things and no one will judge you? That seems great isn't it?

I've been feeling that ever since the second half of last year, somehow what i say seems to be like running away from reality but really i wanna leave Singapore, anywhere is fine just let me be out of Singapore for at least 2 to 3 years. But family is the one which holds me back, and yes certain people as well they are so special and dear to me, which i can't bear to leave them just like that. But oh well shall see how the future goes, never know what's gonna happen right?