L text on Saturday morning 2am. It's just a simple message to ask me how am I, from feeling so annoyed thinking that "why hasn't he give up?" Till i slowly feel that maybe he's just being nice, but i still chose to not reply him even though i feel like to. Not because of the fact that i still have any feelings for him, is just somehow i sense his sincerity and i hope things between us isn't that ugly. But what i'm afraid of is me giving him false hope on how i feel, but i guess I thought too highly of myself? Because i saw his instagram today & it's somehow hinting that he's gonna get married. I don't know if it's true or not or why is he getting married at such a young age of 22, but to me it's not important anymore because 2 years passed so many things happened and i guess we both changed. I realised that maybe i had my wrongs too, i shouldn't keep thinking that i'm the victim and i suffered because of him, although i feel that his reason is really crap that time. I guess my wrong would be i'm too harsh towards him and maybe to him i'm heartless? There's so much problem and issues between us, we got together when we didn't know each other well enough, we didn't have enough trust between us and we fail to see the problem between us and solve it together. You ran away and i cried alone totally void you out because i'm really hurt what you promised me you never make it happen.
But anyway what happened between us it's already in the past, maybe when i pushed you away for the past 2 years is because i'm afraid of all the problems between us, and slowly I moved on from you. Maybe i didn't even love that deep previously that's why i manage to move on? I don't know but towards you, i really thought of you as my future before and i'm very serious about it. Maybe by not giving you a second chance, I let go of a guy who love me, and who love me a lot. But i'm grateful for that love which i in the end did not return. Even though i maybe single for the rest of my life, it actually doesn't matter.
To L, if you're really getting married, i wish you happiness & a blissful life ahead of you and one last thing i have to tell you. "我真心真意的祝福永恆在你的身上先發生，而你還是要幸福千萬不要再招惹別人哭了。"
Monday, 13 April 2015
Tuesday, 31 March 2015
Friday, 6 March 2015
In loving memory always...
It's been 2 weeks since my dearest 2nd aunt departed the world. Even up to today i still can't believe it that she's gone but i guess i have to accept it no matter what isn't it? Thinking back, she really suffered in the last few months of her life so i told myself that she wouldn't be suffering anymore when she leave this world isn't it? Is just that our family seems torn apart with her departure and my smallest uncle being sick as well. I guess the only memory, fully bonded that's been left for us is the one and only full family picture which we had and to my dearest aunt, even though you left you'll always be remembered & live in our hearts.
Friday, 27 February 2015
The Pain Of Falling For A Guy Who Only ‘Kinda’ Likes You
It's really miserable when you invest your time and emotions into someone and remain unsure of where you stand.
When i have to question how you feels, the answer which you gave me only makes me feel is “He likes you, but probably not enough.”
It just keeps lingering in the backs of my minds: Why He can say so many sweet things, be so open and yet, he cannot give us what i want, which is usually a committed relationship.
Slowly i came to understand and even realise that i will cling to the slight glimpse of hope, and i will rationalize reasons to stay in this ambiguous relationship and i just feel like he took something from me and left a void i'll now have to fill. So i guess currently is just the fact that i'm lying to myself isn't it?
You know what? I know that you're broken and slowly your're breaking me up into as broken as how you are currently.
When i have to question how you feels, the answer which you gave me only makes me feel is “He likes you, but probably not enough.”
It just keeps lingering in the backs of my minds: Why He can say so many sweet things, be so open and yet, he cannot give us what i want, which is usually a committed relationship.
Slowly i came to understand and even realise that i will cling to the slight glimpse of hope, and i will rationalize reasons to stay in this ambiguous relationship and i just feel like he took something from me and left a void i'll now have to fill. So i guess currently is just the fact that i'm lying to myself isn't it?
You know what? I know that you're broken and slowly your're breaking me up into as broken as how you are currently.
Thursday, 29 January 2015
Sunday, 4 January 2015
不后悔
你说你不能爱我。你不晓得当我听到这句话时，心里最后的一点希望和幸福一瞬间瓦解了。我在你面前掉下了眼泪。虽然你用手擦拭我脸颊的泪但是我并不觉得幸福。可是我不后悔和你做的任何事情因为我真的有爱你。
Thursday, 9 October 2014
Occupied. That's the only word i can use to describe my life currently. Be it school which is internship, family life or even my own relationship life.
Internship started, means the start of my Y3S2 and also means 4 months of working life 5 days a week from 8.30am all the way till 6pm. Work have not been very smooth, as work is tough and the environment is pretty stress, no mistake could be made, and so many unfamiliar or rather unknown machines, oil samples, type etc which i have to learn and remember it's just not easy at all. Been trying my very best to work and learn espically to be a fast working personnel, all i can say is i can't quit since it's internship, and i don't like to give up half way, or even be irresponsible thus just grit my teeth, hold and walk on till the end of the 4 months i guess?
Family life, oh well what can i say? Maybe work will lessen my friction with my family? At least for now everything's been nice, and i'm really trying my best to compromise to their life and such. Been really worried for my mum though, and this worry haunt me like mad, can't seem to get rid of it. Her operation date been set, which would be next month, i guess she would have to stay in the hospital again for minimum 4 days to a week? Plus more discovery been found out from her body, there's a gene mutation in her body which occurs, and cause her body to not able to discharge out one type of medication and now she have to change her medication to fit into this. Me, sis and aunt have to go for blood test and maybe DNA extraction for research and help to see if it can improve her condition or not. Hopefully there would be a way out, not only it'll her, but might also benefit us or even the future people in medicine research industry. Granny went on for her mini operation today, and i'm really glad that everything is okay now, and also heard that another granny would have to go for operation too, really pray that everything will go well after that in my family.
Relationship? Haha i don't think i would even consider myself having a relationship life in the first place. But yes you Mr T, you're the only guy in my life now, i really don't know what are we somehow, looks like between both of us, non of us is willing to be honest about how we felt right? Or maybe we're not even sure of what we are feeling for each other right? Last monday you told me that i'm one of your fling, you have no idea how this sentence bring such a huge impact on how i feel man, i knew that from the start i might be a replacement, might even be just a bridge for you to cross over in order to forget her, but fling? Means you never consider us being serious maybe in the future at all? So i can just be casted away just like that? If from the start you said that, i wouldn't mind because i'm the willing party, but i felt so played after what i heard you said. After that when we're alone, & you accompany me to walk from dhoby to bugis? You let out your hand & grab onto mine, we just held hands, 10 fingers locked with each other and slowly walk through the night. You don't know how contented i felt, how blissful i felt, it's just a small gesture but it felt so safe & comfortable you know? But yes i'm just a fling to you i guess? I would continue to walk on with you, but i thought it out, even in the end it doesn't work out i wouldn't blame you at all because i learn to accept the fact, and i would be happy to help you walk out of her shadow. For now just let things be i guess? I don't wanna think about it, and i really don't have the strength to think about it as well, just that you don't know when we walk hand-in-hand, when you hugged me and that very first time when you piggy-back me & ran around, while i was laughing like mad on your back, these memories are what i missed, and i really felt safe & happy for that few times and i miss us doing all those together very badly.
Internship started, means the start of my Y3S2 and also means 4 months of working life 5 days a week from 8.30am all the way till 6pm. Work have not been very smooth, as work is tough and the environment is pretty stress, no mistake could be made, and so many unfamiliar or rather unknown machines, oil samples, type etc which i have to learn and remember it's just not easy at all. Been trying my very best to work and learn espically to be a fast working personnel, all i can say is i can't quit since it's internship, and i don't like to give up half way, or even be irresponsible thus just grit my teeth, hold and walk on till the end of the 4 months i guess?
Family life, oh well what can i say? Maybe work will lessen my friction with my family? At least for now everything's been nice, and i'm really trying my best to compromise to their life and such. Been really worried for my mum though, and this worry haunt me like mad, can't seem to get rid of it. Her operation date been set, which would be next month, i guess she would have to stay in the hospital again for minimum 4 days to a week? Plus more discovery been found out from her body, there's a gene mutation in her body which occurs, and cause her body to not able to discharge out one type of medication and now she have to change her medication to fit into this. Me, sis and aunt have to go for blood test and maybe DNA extraction for research and help to see if it can improve her condition or not. Hopefully there would be a way out, not only it'll her, but might also benefit us or even the future people in medicine research industry. Granny went on for her mini operation today, and i'm really glad that everything is okay now, and also heard that another granny would have to go for operation too, really pray that everything will go well after that in my family.
Relationship? Haha i don't think i would even consider myself having a relationship life in the first place. But yes you Mr T, you're the only guy in my life now, i really don't know what are we somehow, looks like between both of us, non of us is willing to be honest about how we felt right? Or maybe we're not even sure of what we are feeling for each other right? Last monday you told me that i'm one of your fling, you have no idea how this sentence bring such a huge impact on how i feel man, i knew that from the start i might be a replacement, might even be just a bridge for you to cross over in order to forget her, but fling? Means you never consider us being serious maybe in the future at all? So i can just be casted away just like that? If from the start you said that, i wouldn't mind because i'm the willing party, but i felt so played after what i heard you said. After that when we're alone, & you accompany me to walk from dhoby to bugis? You let out your hand & grab onto mine, we just held hands, 10 fingers locked with each other and slowly walk through the night. You don't know how contented i felt, how blissful i felt, it's just a small gesture but it felt so safe & comfortable you know? But yes i'm just a fling to you i guess? I would continue to walk on with you, but i thought it out, even in the end it doesn't work out i wouldn't blame you at all because i learn to accept the fact, and i would be happy to help you walk out of her shadow. For now just let things be i guess? I don't wanna think about it, and i really don't have the strength to think about it as well, just that you don't know when we walk hand-in-hand, when you hugged me and that very first time when you piggy-back me & ran around, while i was laughing like mad on your back, these memories are what i missed, and i really felt safe & happy for that few times and i miss us doing all those together very badly.
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