Its almost end of March, and progressing to ending the first quarter of 2019, yea basically the picture says it all. I am trying really hard, to keeping in-tact my school work to handling all the new work thrown into my face. I know that I shut off from this world and my friends for almost a month, and I am super grateful that most of my friends are really understanding, and to really let me be. I really wish to say sorry and I am very thankful for each of you that stayed with me despite my current conditions.

I know I am a workaholic, and the last thing that I ever wish to see myself in is that my work and work performance are affected and in a negative way. How depressed I felt and it does took a tow in my work, as I did felt that I slumped into the bottom pit of my work, and it starts to affect people around me. One more issue which makes me feel burdened, is that I did get a good PB for 2018, somehow I feel that I don't really deserve it? Maybe because I feel that I did not manage to do as much as to deserve a B grade. I heard that if I manage to get another B grade in 2019, it means that I would be due for a promotion, but I don't wish to place too much hope in it though not to eventually not even manage to like get there? Anyway I will still do my best, pull myself up and yea I will see how it goes.

School just ended and I am still blogging before I go home, prolly because I know that if I don't do it here, it would be ages again before another post will be up, since I will just go home, clean myself up and head to bed. [P.S. I really need to have a channel out to vent how I feel.]
I am trying to live a healthier life by sleeping earlier, and you know I need to lose weight why? Cuz I am at the heaviest point in my life now [dig a hole and burry myself inside lol.] It is affecting parts of my health, and other than for health, it would also be for beauty wise, whhich I need to shed off the calories haish.

Anyway time check now is almost 10.35pm, so I need to rush home now. Till next time then.

2019

Hello 2019,

Another neglected site of mine just like my twitter account, I guess as we grow older and really progressed into adulthood, we won't touch so much of our social medias or even continue blogging (it was a huge trend in my teenage years). Now i see all the blog links which I had from (mostly) once my close friends, 90% of them are neglected and the last post is like what 2013? Freaking 6 years ago man, guess I never gave up my blog is because I know that its a secret heaven for me to vent out whatever I feel, and it won't be disclosed and read by anyone around me now.

So this female here is 26 this year, and I started blogging since 2007 when I am 14? So it have been 12 years!!! WOW I grew from a much nonsense teenager to a full-time working adult now. Still remember how this blog started, because it was such a huge trend back during my secondary school time, one of my girlfriends back then sorta 'forced' me to create a blog and even helped me to do it, because I am such a sucker at IT and technology stuff, and since then this blog have been in my life. Although the post gets lesser and lesser as I grew older, but I kept it with me and I even manage to have at least 1 - 2 post per year, I shall really try to update as much as I can, hopefully will be more of happy things which are occurring in my life, rather than sad and upset post about my life. In short I hope when I come inside to blog it would not just be a location or due to me being upset.

2019 will be of a new beginnings, a fresh year and yes I will be going back to school to study part-time university, I hope I do well and manage to graduate before i become 30 years old, which is what? 2023? Somehow I am also a bit afraid to walk to the big 3 in my life, I hope by then I manage to achieve more in life.

Anyway Happy 2019, let's pray for a good year and remember Shi Jie: 'My Life, my way' Do what you want and wish in life.

How?

为什么好像每次来这里就没有什么好事。
Sometimes idk how to help people around me esp those who are dear & close to me, I feel so tired & even angry, but I know I couldn't just leave like that. Is not right but I am not a saint, I have my weak & upset points as well. Now that mummy is gone, it seems like no one else can listen & understand how I really felt.

我快要窒息了，是不是死了就不會那麼辛苦。突然間我似乎明白為何鍾鉉哥哥會自殺，可是我心裡明白為了爸爸，爺爺奶奶和外婆我還不能結束我的生命。我也不能上別人看到我的脆弱，無論如何我還是要笑臉應對。

有誰知道我有多累，心裡有多崩潰。

生日快乐...

今天五月六日是你的生日，原谅我想要彻底的断了不该有的任何联系与对你的感情，我选择沉默。也许也是我那幼稚的以牙还牙想法吧，因为你明明记得我的生日但你也是沉默所以自己也有那么卑鄙的想法吧。或许我也是累了，不想要在自作多情了，只有决绝才能从这场恶梦中醒来，让我忘了你。无论如何生日快乐，你成年了，要好好照顾自己。对自己做的事情要负责任，我希望你记得己所不欲，勿施于人。不要在伤害别人了。

对不起但因为我还爱着你，所以原谅我不能面对你，也原谅我的自私吧。

Hello 2016 & Goodbye 2015

So fast another year pass by, I would say that 2015 is a year which is both a blessing and a horrible one, just a brief recap of the major happenings in my life within that year. Firstly i lost my beloved 2nd aunt, she passed away on 19th of Feb 2015, i didn't get to see her for the last time, because i'm sick myself and i felt that she really suffered a lot before she pass away i just feel very upset when I mention/thought about her. I pray that she will be free of sufferings and pains in the new world, and lead a better after-life.
Next mummy went through treatment for her cancer, and i'm blessed because she manage to get rid of all the remaining tumor and cancerous cells within her body. Then graduated from poly, a huge milestone which i completed in my life, and i'm grateful for all my family & friends who came by and give me their congratulations also those who gave me their blessings in any ways.

Following up, i guess i lost a relationship and maybe a good friend? I lost my own precious gift as well, at age 22 even though i don't regret it anyway. We officially ended our dating/not dating status? I really used to believed that you will fall for me, or i can help bring you out of her pain, but looks like i can't and maybe we're not suitable for each other, we're better off as good friends aren't we? But we can't rewind time and i guess we'll be strangers for life isn't it? I don't hate you, or dislike you at all unlike my friends who felt injustice for me, but i guess in relationship it's always like this isn't it? I just pray that what happen between us, won't be inflicted onto another girl please i don't know how i manage to endure so much, when you're the one who inflicted the most amount of pain to me but i know that i can't go through another round of this anymore.
"The worst types of breakups are the ones you aren’t allowed to mourn. The ones where you cry yourself to sleep, staring at a phone, that is silent. You wake up the next day swallow, put on a brave face and carry on with your day. Because when you’ve never actually dated someone, apparently you aren’t allowed to be hurt when you lose them."
Now in 2016, it's time for me to let go of you, and also the promise which you told me back in 2014. I have to walk away, even though it's never easy for me.

Lastly i manage to secure a job, the first job which i applied and is something which i really wanna do a lot, i'm really lucky, felt super grateful and thus i will work hard for my job. Strive hard so that i can not only save up, but also to manage to go Australia to study my University.

I pray and hope that 2016 would be a better one, and everyone would be healthy and happy. :)