活了 26年，最近才活的比较自我，当我发现只要我不在乎那么多，我就开心多了真的。人活着短短几十年，让自己舒服，好过才是对得起自己。

我心中嚮往的人生

讓我們紅塵作伴活得瀟瀟灑灑，策馬奔騰共享人世繁華。對酒當歌唱出心中喜悅，轟轟烈烈把握青春年華 。

Its almost end of March, and progressing to ending the first quarter of 2019, yea basically the picture says it all. I am trying really hard, to keeping in-tact my school work to handling all the new work thrown into my face. I know that I shut off from this world and my friends for almost a month, and I am super grateful that most of my friends are really understanding, and to really let me be. I really wish to say sorry and I am very thankful for each of you that stayed with me despite my current conditions.

I know I am a workaholic, and the last thing that I ever wish to see myself in is that my work and work performance are affected and in a negative way. How depressed I felt and it does took a tow in my work, as I did felt that I slumped into the bottom pit of my work, and it starts to affect people around me. One more issue which makes me feel burdened, is that I did get a good PB for 2018, somehow I feel that I don't really deserve it? Maybe because I feel that I did not manage to do as much as to deserve a B grade. I heard that if I manage to get another B grade in 2019, it means that I would be due for a promotion, but I don't wish to place too much hope in it though not to eventually not even manage to like get there? Anyway I will still do my best, pull myself up and yea I will see how it goes.

School just ended and I am still blogging before I go home, prolly because I know that if I don't do it here, it would be ages again before another post will be up, since I will just go home, clean myself up and head to bed. [P.S. I really need to have a channel out to vent how I feel.]
I am trying to live a healthier life by sleeping earlier, and you know I need to lose weight why? Cuz I am at the heaviest point in my life now [dig a hole and burry myself inside lol.] It is affecting parts of my health, and other than for health, it would also be for beauty wise, whhich I need to shed off the calories haish.

Anyway time check now is almost 10.35pm, so I need to rush home now. Till next time then.

2019

Hello 2019,

Another neglected site of mine just like my twitter account, I guess as we grow older and really progressed into adulthood, we won't touch so much of our social medias or even continue blogging (it was a huge trend in my teenage years). Now i see all the blog links which I had from (mostly) once my close friends, 90% of them are neglected and the last post is like what 2013? Freaking 6 years ago man, guess I never gave up my blog is because I know that its a secret heaven for me to vent out whatever I feel, and it won't be disclosed and read by anyone around me now.

So this female here is 26 this year, and I started blogging since 2007 when I am 14? So it have been 12 years!!! WOW I grew from a much nonsense teenager to a full-time working adult now. Still remember how this blog started, because it was such a huge trend back during my secondary school time, one of my girlfriends back then sorta 'forced' me to create a blog and even helped me to do it, because I am such a sucker at IT and technology stuff, and since then this blog have been in my life. Although the post gets lesser and lesser as I grew older, but I kept it with me and I even manage to have at least 1 - 2 post per year, I shall really try to update as much as I can, hopefully will be more of happy things which are occurring in my life, rather than sad and upset post about my life. In short I hope when I come inside to blog it would not just be a location or due to me being upset.

2019 will be of a new beginnings, a fresh year and yes I will be going back to school to study part-time university, I hope I do well and manage to graduate before i become 30 years old, which is what? 2023? Somehow I am also a bit afraid to walk to the big 3 in my life, I hope by then I manage to achieve more in life.

Anyway Happy 2019, let's pray for a good year and remember Shi Jie: 'My Life, my way' Do what you want and wish in life.

How?

为什么好像每次来这里就没有什么好事。
Sometimes idk how to help people around me esp those who are dear & close to me, I feel so tired & even angry, but I know I couldn't just leave like that. Is not right but I am not a saint, I have my weak & upset points as well. Now that mummy is gone, it seems like no one else can listen & understand how I really felt.

我快要窒息了，是不是死了就不會那麼辛苦。突然間我似乎明白為何鍾鉉哥哥會自殺，可是我心裡明白為了爸爸，爺爺奶奶和外婆我還不能結束我的生命。我也不能上別人看到我的脆弱，無論如何我還是要笑臉應對。

有誰知道我有多累，心裡有多崩潰。

生日快乐...

今天五月六日是你的生日，原谅我想要彻底的断了不该有的任何联系与对你的感情，我选择沉默。也许也是我那幼稚的以牙还牙想法吧，因为你明明记得我的生日但你也是沉默所以自己也有那么卑鄙的想法吧。或许我也是累了，不想要在自作多情了，只有决绝才能从这场恶梦中醒来，让我忘了你。无论如何生日快乐，你成年了，要好好照顾自己。对自己做的事情要负责任，我希望你记得己所不欲，勿施于人。不要在伤害别人了。

对不起但因为我还爱着你，所以原谅我不能面对你，也原谅我的自私吧。

Hello 2016 & Goodbye 2015

So fast another year pass by, I would say that 2015 is a year which is both a blessing and a horrible one, just a brief recap of the major happenings in my life within that year. Firstly i lost my beloved 2nd aunt, she passed away on 19th of Feb 2015, i didn't get to see her for the last time, because i'm sick myself and i felt that she really suffered a lot before she pass away i just feel very upset when I mention/thought about her. I pray that she will be free of sufferings and pains in the new world, and lead a better after-life.
Next mummy went through treatment for her cancer, and i'm blessed because she manage to get rid of all the remaining tumor and cancerous cells within her body. Then graduated from poly, a huge milestone which i completed in my life, and i'm grateful for all my family & friends who came by and give me their congratulations also those who gave me their blessings in any ways.

Following up, i guess i lost a relationship and maybe a good friend? I lost my own precious gift as well, at age 22 even though i don't regret it anyway. We officially ended our dating/not dating status? I really used to believed that you will fall for me, or i can help bring you out of her pain, but looks like i can't and maybe we're not suitable for each other, we're better off as good friends aren't we? But we can't rewind time and i guess we'll be strangers for life isn't it? I don't hate you, or dislike you at all unlike my friends who felt injustice for me, but i guess in relationship it's always like this isn't it? I just pray that what happen between us, won't be inflicted onto another girl please i don't know how i manage to endure so much, when you're the one who inflicted the most amount of pain to me but i know that i can't go through another round of this anymore.
"The worst types of breakups are the ones you aren’t allowed to mourn. The ones where you cry yourself to sleep, staring at a phone, that is silent. You wake up the next day swallow, put on a brave face and carry on with your day. Because when you’ve never actually dated someone, apparently you aren’t allowed to be hurt when you lose them."
Now in 2016, it's time for me to let go of you, and also the promise which you told me back in 2014. I have to walk away, even though it's never easy for me.

Lastly i manage to secure a job, the first job which i applied and is something which i really wanna do a lot, i'm really lucky, felt super grateful and thus i will work hard for my job. Strive hard so that i can not only save up, but also to manage to go Australia to study my University.

I pray and hope that 2016 would be a better one, and everyone would be healthy and happy. :)

I miss your arms, your shoulders, your lips & most importantly I miss you. I thought I was doing well, until last Saturday, when you showed up late for a birthday celebration. I didn't expect all those from you & yes I miss lying beside you, on your chest, hugging you while you patted me to sleep, your fingers locked within mine & the kiss you planted on my cheek.

& I realised that it has always been you, & it will always be you.

Which is worse?

June 2015. Half a year gone by again just like that and I've graduated for like 2 months? Although i can't say that i'm wasting my life away at home, due to not working and i have to take care of my mum. But now that she's better and she can manage most on her own, i actually can start looking for a job which is something which I'm really looking forward since I've been wanting to work so badly and earn my own money to support myself. Yet now I'm at loss of what should i apply, i wanted zoo. birdpark all those but at the same time i'm scared that i can't pass any job interview because i really suck at it, & i'm afraid that if this goes on, it'll be very difficult to get a job in my whole life. But still i better start early right? Oh well i guess anyone have to go through this stage in life ahh, just pray and hope all the best for myself i guess? :/

To L...

L text on Saturday morning 2am. It's just a simple message to ask me how am I, from feeling so annoyed thinking that "why hasn't he give up?" Till i slowly feel that maybe he's just being nice, but i still chose to not reply him even though i feel like to. Not because of the fact that i still have any feelings for him, is just somehow i sense his sincerity and i hope things between us isn't that ugly. But what i'm afraid of is me giving him false hope on how i feel, but i guess I thought too highly of myself? Because i saw his instagram today & it's somehow hinting that he's gonna get married. I don't know if it's true or not or why is he getting married at such a young age of 22, but to me it's not important anymore because 2 years passed so many things happened and i guess we both changed. I realised that maybe i had my wrongs too, i shouldn't keep thinking that i'm the victim and i suffered because of him, although i feel that his reason is really crap that time. I guess my wrong would be i'm too harsh towards him and maybe to him i'm heartless? There's so much problem and issues between us, we got together when we didn't know each other well enough, we didn't have enough trust between us and we fail to see the problem between us and solve it together. You ran away and i cried alone totally void you out because i'm really hurt what you promised me you never make it happen.

But anyway what happened between us it's already in the past, maybe when i pushed you away for the past 2 years is because i'm afraid of all the problems between us, and slowly I moved on from you. Maybe i didn't even love that deep previously that's why i manage to move on? I don't know but towards you, i really thought of you as my future before and i'm very serious about it. Maybe by not giving you a second chance, I let go of a guy who love me, and who love me a lot. But i'm grateful for that love which i in the end did not return. Even though i maybe single for the rest of my life, it actually doesn't matter.
To L, if you're really getting married, i wish you happiness & a blissful life ahead of you and one last thing i have to tell you. "我真心真意的祝福永恆在你的身上先發生，而你還是要幸福千萬不要再招惹別人哭了。"

In loving memory always...

It's been 2 weeks since my dearest 2nd aunt departed the world. Even up to today i still can't believe it that she's gone but i guess i have to accept it no matter what isn't it? Thinking back, she really suffered in the last few months of her life so i told myself that she wouldn't be suffering anymore when she leave this world isn't it? Is just that our family seems torn apart with her departure and my smallest uncle being sick as well. I guess the only memory, fully bonded that's been left for us is the one and only full family picture which we had and to my dearest aunt, even though you left you'll always be remembered & live in our hearts.

The Pain Of Falling For A Guy Who Only ‘Kinda’ Likes You

It's really miserable when you invest your time and emotions into someone and remain unsure of where you stand.

When i have to question how you feels, the answer which you gave me only makes me feel is “He likes you, but probably not enough.”

It just keeps lingering in the backs of my minds: Why He can say so many sweet things, be so open and yet, he cannot give us what i want, which is usually a committed relationship.

Slowly i came to understand and even realise that i will cling to the slight glimpse of hope, and i will rationalize reasons to stay in this ambiguous relationship and i just feel like he took something from me and left a void i'll now have to fill. So i guess currently is just the fact that i'm lying to myself isn't it?

You know what? I know that you're broken and slowly your're breaking me up into as broken as how you are currently.